Your Sexuality is Beautiful & Other Bedtime Stories We Never Heard
Every human animal on this planet has been called into being by a profoundly creative and collaborative act.
We are literally made of sex.
And yet, the thing that started our story is so often reduced to mere behavior, hidden away from the whole.
Most of us were brought up to believe sex was bad or dirty. That our orientation was wrong or sinful.
And for those of us with traumatic sexual histories, confusion, shame and stigma can make finding a connection to sexual authenticity that much more challening.
Even though we know all the stories aren’t true, it’s hard to escape them. The big feelings we felt when we were so small become part of the armor we wear to keep our hearts safe.
And the armor is so heavy. It sabotages our ability to live and move freely in the world.
Sexuality — our relationship to and understanding of ourselves as sexual beings — isn’t just a thing we do. It isn’t a just something we play with or perform, it’s who we are on a fundamental level.
I don’t cease to be a sexual being when I’m making coffee in the morning. I may not be expressing myself sexually but my eros — the unquenchable desire I have to birth and create and produce — is present in every breath.
I nurture it when I write. I embody it when I dance. I feed it when I lie in the grass, wind blowing through the trees and across my skin on a summer afternoon.
And I celebrate it when I connect intimately with another.
When something happens to me, it happens to the whole of me, every cell and system. So, I can’t file away any wounds or fears I have in regards to my sexualit as if they only happen way over there. In the bedroom.
Just as any injury, anxiety or complex I develop unrelated to sex will prevent me from being fully embodied and present sexually.
From being able to know myself, grow myself and evolve as a sexual being.
We are as physical as we are emotional. As intellectual as we are spiritual as we are sexual. Always and inescapably.
I can no more separate my sexuality from who I am than I can my experiences or the parts they’re indelibly etched upon. Just as I can’t extract the uniquely intellectual, spiritual or psychoemotional bits from any of my tissues and cells.
Denying our parts is an act of self-abandonment.
We’re the ones telling them they’re not good enough. That they don’t belong. That they’re wrong or bad or inappropriate. And while those beliefs may have been put there by someone else, we’re the ones perpetuating them.
Remembering our aspects and parts requires our attention at unexpected times.
Tuning into our capacity for arousal while doing the dishes. Connecting with our energy while paying bills. Bringing a child-like sense of play to commuting or drafting spreadsheets.
Listening with compassion when the voice inside is so small and so scared and doesn’t understand, no matter how inconvenient the timing may be.
Because every last ache you feel to be seen by others is, at its core, the yearning of a child begging to be seen by the only person who really matters. You.
We can’t take up more space by staying small.
And we won’t become whole by compartmentalizing ourselves, by keeping our aspects in neat little boxes, forcing them to obey and adhere to all the rules put in place for the sake of other people’s comfort.
We become whole by acknowledging all the layers and parts. Allowing them to exist in a way that makes them feel safe and welcome. And in doing so we support our bodies to take up more physical and energetic space.
Remembering ourselves changes posture and gait. It changes the organization of our bones, how we breathe, how skin moves over the layers of our flesh.
Lovingly calling to awareness how powerful or impressive or sweet or funny or downright perfect we were in different times, places and relationships changes the quality of our interiority — all the good stuff inside that make us who we are and co-creates our experience of present moment reality.
It makes us bigger than we were the moment before.
Your sexuality is beautiful. Your spirit is infinite and shines like the sun. You are smart. You are are worthy. And your body is the most amazing thing about you.
Remember that when you’re arguing with your partner. When your toxic boss is on a rampage. When you’re chasing a deadline at 2am and the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking.
Because staying connected to your aspects during challenging times — even just holding awareness that they exist — will give you more options for responsiveness when your wiring wants to send you into reactivity.
Feel into each one of those statements above and find affirmative, loving proof that they’re true. Notice what happens to your breath. To your skin. To the shape of your body.
And then give yourself permission to yawn, stretch, sigh and move as you invite long buried treasures to be unearthed. To be welcomed home.
Allow them. Be with them. Make room for them.
This is how we slowly learn to take up more space. By reminding ourselves of who we are. By re-embodying all the ways that we are so much more than we’ve been conditioned to believe.